Jesus Christ and the Last Family Supper

As told by Tony Genelli from Brooklyn

Ya wanna know about da Last Supper? Fuhgeddabout it! I learned all dat shit from Sista Theresa at St. Francis’s in Brooklyn, before I got tossed out by Father Carmine for stealin wine. Anyways…

JC and hiz crew was havin’ a sit down. I been to a few myself, and I can tell ya, things get frickin tense, ya know? Anyways, Jesus knows there’s a rat in the house. How he knows, he ain’t sayin’. I mean, he’s Jesus, and he knows how to keep his mouth shut. So he sez, “I know one you yous is gonna betray me,” and the whole while he’s givin’ Judas Iscariot, that rat bastid, the evil eye. Judas is such a scared little punk that he can’t keep cool. He’s just playin with his “manigot”; won’t even look the Skipper in the eye.

Judas knows he’s on the way out, believe you me. But this ain’t done. Jesus turns around and he sez, “Dat’s not all; one of yous at this table will deny bein’ part of my crew before the boids start chirpin. He’ll deny it three frickin times.”

Now there’s a big uproar at the table. “Oh! No frickin way!” the crewz all sayin’, wit Peter lyin’ his ass off aboudit. I think that’s when Jesus sez, “Everytime I think I’m out, they pull me back in,” but he mighta said sumtin’ else d’ere.

Jesus had the Roman soldiers all over his ass, so his whole crew had to go to the mattresses. The holed up at this joint called Gethsemane. And the Romans ain’t punks -- they make the Feds look like a buncha drunk Irish cops. But Jesus’s crew are wise to dis, and the first Fed through the door is about ta get whacked by Simon, a bad-ass Capo. But Jesus sez, “Put away your sword, it’s all ovah. Stick to fishin’, Simon.”

That’s how he wuz, ya know? His crew was ready and coudda whacked those Roman bitches and been on the lam in a hot minute. But, Jesus knows dat the Pharisees (the otha Jerusalem crew) will double-cross Judas, who falls right into the plan, the rat-bastard.

So Judas gets taken out, Peter denies Jesus three times, and when the Roman Feds get him into custody, Jesus finally realizes sumthin’. He thought it was this Jew king, Herod, that set him up, but he sez, as they’re takin him away to get whacked, “I didn’t know until this very moment, it was Caiaphas all along.”

So they whack him, old-school style, and bury him. But he’s Jesus, ya know, so he had it all planned from the start. How the hell you gonna whack the kid of the big boss and get away wit it? That’s what they don’t count on. Jesus wakes up in a tomb with two of his crew and sez, “Our true enemy has yet to reveal himself.” Or sumthin’ like that. I forget the rest, but I think he moved the family out West, and after 40 days, he disappeared. I think he prolly hid out down by da shore, with his goomah, this hot ex-whore named Magdalene or sumthin’. But one thing’s frickin obvious – the guy sure knew how to make a name for himself!

Want to follow the rabbit trail? Start here